A month ago today…

I wore a pretty knee length ivory dress and a birdcage veil and walked down the aisle to this song.

I stood hand in hand with the man I love and looked into his eyes and took him as my husband. I was grinning ear to ear. His eyes were wet.

We chose our marriage commissioner to read “Marriage Joins Two People in the Circle of its Love” by Edmund O’Neill. Look it up, it’s lovely.

I stuck to one silly tradition that day, the idea that the bride should wear “Something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.” My something old was my grandmother’s gold locket. Something new was the chain it was on. Something borrowed were my sister’s pearls. My something blue was a hand embroidered label on my dress, made by my mother-in-law. It read “Cariad” in cursive writing, the Welsh word for “love” or “sweetheart” and my husband’s pseudonym on my blog.

Yes, we went through an extremely rough patch in our relationship earlier in 2011. Yes, you can consider the 6 month separation we’re in the midst of now to be very difficult. But that doesn’t matter to me. What matters is every day I marvel at how incredibly lucky I am to have such an amazing man to call my husband.

June 30th can’t come quickly enough. xx

Year in Review – 2011

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before? I married Cariad, the love of my life and my best friend.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions and will you make more for next year? I crossed a few items off my “30 by 30″ list, and will continue working towards accomplishing all 30 items.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Two of my cousins did, one to a lovely little boy and the other to twins, a boy and a girl.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No, thankfully.

5. What countries did you visit? I went to Las Vegas for my sister’s 30th, my first trip to the States since I was 12.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? Cariad with me full-time.

7. What dates from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? December 23rd, my wedding day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Obtaining a full-time permanent teaching contract.

9. What was your biggest failure? Saving money. I am no good at it.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I threw my back out in June and still occasionally feel pain from it.

11. What was the best thing you bought? My Grandpa Car. Despite being 12 years old and literally having once belonged to my grandfather, it is a nice and reliable vehicle.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Same as last year: My mom’s. I’m so incredibly thankful to have her support both emotionally and financially.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Everyone was pretty fabulous this year.

14. Where did most of your money go? Clothing, ashamedly.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Marrying Cariad, of course, along with his family’s arrival in Canada for our wedding.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011? “Home” by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros. First heard it in January and rocked out regularly to it all year. It was on our wedding playlist of songs that played quietly in the background during dinner.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Happier- I’m a newlywed and there’s a light at the end of the tunnel for our relationship to no longer be long distance.
b) thinner or fatter? Thinner- I joined a gym in January and starting watching what I eat = a thinner daringtobe.
c) richer or poorer? Richer- I actually have a bit of a savings account, though I wish it were bigger!

18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Saved money. (Same as last year!)

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Sabotage my own happiness.

20. How did you spend Christmas 2011? With my family and Cariad’s family here in Canada.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011? Though there was a rough patch, I stayed in love with Cariad.

22. How many one-night stands? I stand nightly.

23. What was your favorite TV program? Being Erica. LOVE that show.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? I try not to hate anyone and I think I succeeded.

25. What was the best book you read? “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? Caught some great new acts at Regina Folk Festival such as Braids and The Secret Sisters.

27. What did you want and get? Cariad as my husband!

28. What did you want and not get? A new car, but my Grandpa Car is doing great.

29. What was your favorite film of this year? Both Midnight in Paris and Little White Lies reignited my love of French and my desire to learn how to speak it.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 28 and I spent the day with my family and Cariad at my brother’s best friend’s wedding.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Less worrying about what was going to happen between Cariad and I.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? Adventurous. I started wearing more colour and styles that differed from what I usually wore.

33. What kept you sane? Music. Without fail I can always find a song that either describes how I feel perfectly or contains an inspirational message that really speaks to me.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Andrew Lincoln is my new celebrity crush and I secretly wish I was effortlessly beautiful and classy like Marion Cotillard.

35. What political issue stirred you the most? Teachers took job action in May and June and I hated hearing the attack ads against us. I wish I worked in a province that valued teachers and education more.

36. Who did you miss? Cariad. Out of 52 weeks in the year, we were together for only 6 of them.

37. Who was the best new person you met? A few of the girls I work with. They’re wonderful.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: That everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is powerful.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: “Don’t worry about a thing, ’cause every little thing gonna be all right!” Bob Marley.

40. What are your resolutions for 2012? Continue working on my “30 by 30″ list is one resolution for 2012, as well as to create a bucket list and a few other small self-improvement goals.

Past year in reviews: 2010

Writing about a memory.

January 2010.

It must have been a Monday. Cariad often stayed the weekend with me in London, waking early and taking a train straight to work Monday morning.

That Monday it snowed. Cariad looked at the train schedules, of course nothing was running. I was booked in to teach at a school I often went to.

Hoping for a snow day, I checked the borough’s website. No such luck, the primary school wasn’t among those listed as closed. Cariad continued checking as I readied myself for work. More and more schools showed up as closed, but still no luck. I trudged through the snow to catch the bus, wishing desperately for the day off.

I arrived at work, disgruntled at having to be there. At the morning assembly, the head teacher encouraged all classes to go outside and enjoy the snow. I spent an hour making giant snowmen with the Year 1 classroom.

Big, fat snowflakes continued falling. At 10:30 AM the school decided it should indeed close. Finally, all the children went home and I could too.

I boarded the 82 to Victoria Station. While I was anxious to get home to have a lazy snow day with Cariad, I was also happy right where I was: the top front of a red double decker bus, watching the snow fall on the beautiful city I called my home.

I still remember disembarking at my usual stop, a 5 minute walk from home. I texted Cariad telling him I would be there soon.

While I don’t remember specifics about the rest of that day, I do remember how I felt walking home in the snow. Cariad’s response was “Yey! I’ll put the kettle on. xx” The aniticipation and happiness is almost indescribable. That feeling of knowing the man I loved was waiting for me, brewing me a cup of tea, as anxious to see me as I was to see him… well. Suffice to say, it was a pretty great feeling.

I can’t wait to come home to Cariad on a regular basis.

Amma & Papa.

My siblings and I grew up calling our paternal grandmother “Amma”, the Icelandic word for Grandma, as her parents hailed from there. We called our grandfather “Papa” for no other reason than it went well with “Amma”.

My dad’s side of my family holds such an aura of mystery to me, maybe for no other reason than they are quite a bit older than most grandparents of people my age. You see, my dad is the youngest of three children. He came along when his dad was 29 and his mom 31. Dad, in turn, didn’t become a father until his late thirties with the arrival of myself, his youngest, a few months before his 42nd birthday.

My grandparents were a huge part of my childhood. Amma passed away when I was 11 but Papa lived to the ripe old age of 94, passing away in 2006.

At age 20 I discovered that Amma’s engagement and wedding ring set is gorgeous (the set she received later in life because hello? They were married in the dirty thirties.) I decided that come the day I was thinking about marriage, I would go ahead and tell the lucky guy “Oh, by the way, I already have a ring.” Eight years later, I did just that, and I’m proud and honoured to say I wear my grandmother’s ring today.

Once it was decided that Cariad and I were to be married this December, my dad mentioned to me that Amma and Papa were married December 23rd. Done: the date for our wedding was set.

Today is my first day being at Dad’s place since I became engaged and set the wedding date. The first thing I did was make a beeline for the treasured possessions kept in my childhood bedroom: Amma’s 5 year diaries, started in 1934, the year before she wed Papa. Here is what I found:

December 22nd, 1935:

All day preparing for the day and entertaining my sweetheart boy-friend. He makes me so happy!

December 23rd, 1935:

Our wedding day! The happiest day of my life & I married the bestest man in the world. The wedding was perfect.

December 23rd, 1936:

Our first anniversary, Gordon & I love each other more than ever & I still get thrills.

All I can say is I feel so incredibly blessed to not only wear Amma’s ring and get married on what would have been Amma and Papa’s 76th anniversary, but having the opportunity to read the words my 25 year old grandmother wrote the eve of her wedding and her wedding day is something I will always cherish.

Reflections on past autumns.

September 11th, 2011:

I’m happy. I’m busy. Forefront of my mind lately has been my upcoming wedding. Funny how I never thought of myself as one of those girls but here I am, obsessing about what shoes I’ll wear, what headpiece. All this for a very small wedding of twelve people (& a quarter– my 22 month old niece is to be the flower girl). Our plans are to be married by a marriage commissioner in a quick ceremony followed by going out for a nice dinner. Let me tell you, choosing to have a small wedding has had it’s own set of stressors: how to tell good friends and cherished family members that actually, no, you’re not invited; where exactly do you host the ceremony when every place seems to be designed for hundreds of guests?

But no complaints because remember this post?

September 15th, 2010:

I was trying to remain upbeat as I posted this entry but in reality last September was one of the hardest months of my life. I had just returned to Canada after two years in England. I’d left Cariad behind, friends behind, a life I had built and loved behind. Yes, I came home to family and friends but I was disoriented. I wasn’t ready to leave England, but the visa in my passport said I must. I came home penniless as I blew my money on travel so was back living with my mom. I wasn’t working yet, having just started the process of applying to work as a substitute teacher. There was a lot of moping around, hating life, missing what used to be. I feel sad and sick when I think of how I felt back then.

Not pretty and definitely not even a little bit fun.

September 15th, 2009:

I remember this day so clearly. I love London in autumn. Maybe because that’s when I moved there? Who knows? I used to say “Autumn was made for London.” The colours of falling leaves and the brick of old buildings… so beautiful.

That was the autumn I started dating Cariad. It was just so easy with him, he quickly became my best friend. The only word I can think of to describe how I felt is love.

September 11th, 2008:

Two days after my arrival in London I was already professing my love for my new home. I was so innocent then! I had no idea what life in the big city had in store for me. Because believe me there was just as much bad as there was good (having my heart broken by someone who means nothing to me now, my house being broken into, the stress of finding a new place to live, falling outs with friends and housemates, etc, etc.) But in retrospect, looking at the big picture, I wouldn’t change a thing.

—-
That’s my last few Septembers in a nutshell. Wonder where I’ll be next September?

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Chin up, dahling.

I am feeling overwhelmed.

- I start my new teaching gig on Monday.
- Haven’t quite processed my father’s health issues.
- I need to plan his 70th birthday as well, big do is in order I think.
- I’m tentatively getting married December 23rd, 2011.
- Online class starts next week sometime (eep, yet again will take back burner to real life?)

Time to take a deep breath, pour a glass of wine, assess my situation, attack the to-do list, all the while remembering…

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Life lessons.

“To reveal or not to reveal? It’s the hardest question. Because our secrets are the invisible burden we carry, some are worth keeping while others just need to be told. And the trick is knowing the difference.”

(I ♥ Being Erica)

What I’m aiming for.

“Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.” (Lucille Ball)